With a lot of confusion about career and life, I was unable to make a decision about what to do after completing my graduation. I had a degree in the field of commerce, however, I loved to interact & connect with people. Numbers were not something that I loved, AT ALL.
Then, how did I end up in this field?
Why didn’t I know what I wanted before?
I don’t even know myself that much to make a decision about my life?
What the hell am I going to do in my life?
Amidst all this chaos within me, I decided to visit an Ashram with an intent to find something that could take me through this chaos.
It was summer afternoon and I was sitting with a 42 year old lady on the beach near Osho Ashram in Madhavpur, Gujarat, India.
We were conversing about how beautiful the beach was and how it changed its shades throughout the day. The lady sitting next to me was highly spiritual and had been connected with the Ashram since childhood.
As I shared my thoughts with her about the confusion I was having and the criticism that was going on in my head, she raised a simple question, “Who are you?”
A giggle blurted out from within on hearing the unnecessarily simple question at that point of time. I thought she was just playing with me. Eventually, I answered, “Brinda, I am Brinda!”
She smiled for a second and told, “Brinda is your name, that is not who you are my dear. I am asking you who are you.”
Now that confused me a little bit, so I tried many other answers like, “I am Indian, I am a Bachelors in Commerce, I am a reader, I am a human being, I am an enthusiastic person and what not”
However, she had an explanation for every answer I gave.
Indian – is your nationality
Bachelors in Commerce – is your degree
Reader & Enthusiastic – are your qualities or traits
Human being – is your species
“Wanna try other options?” she asked with a wink and a smile.
“Who the hell am I? How could I not answer such a simple question?” were the words going on inside me on a repeat mode.
I finally gave up and told her to reveal the answer.
The real shock came when she replied, “I don’t know the answer. You will have to find out yourself. How can I tell you who you are?”
And I felt so bad at that moment.
“I came all the way from my place to find some peace and a solution to my inner conflicts and now you leave me with this question and add on to those. That is not at all fair” was the thought I had in my mind.
After 3 days of stay at the Ashram, I left that place with the most disturbing yet intriguing question of ‘Who am I?’
It’s been three years now and I have travelled way ahead in the journey of knowing ‘Who I am’.
Not only do I feel thankful towards her for being the person who motivated me to embark on this beautiful journey but also encouraged to find my answer by myself.
When I started to ask myself the question of ‘Who am I?’ The initial answers that came consisted of my possessions, my qualifications, my relations. On introspecting a bit deeper, I even tried to identify myself with my thoughts and emotions.
On observing these things, I realized that all of these were temporary and constantly changing.
One moment I had a happy feeling and the other moment I was angry. One moment I had this thought and the other moment there was something else. Same happened with my relationships and possessions.
One moment I had something and the other moment it was not. This moment the relationship was flourishing and the other moment the person was not even there.
What was happening? Everything is
constantly changing around me.
Does that mean I have no existence?
Am I also constantly changing?
Is there something permanent which can define who I am?
Then I had this thought in my mind,
‘I am something beyond these temporary things, I cannot be something so temporary. There must be something permanent and I am going to find it.’
This urge to find something that is beyond temporary took me towards meditation. I practiced Vipassana and learned Reiki to know more about the permanent component within me. I came to know that everything else in the world is temporary, but it does not mean that it is not important or useless. It is just better to realize that it is not “EVERYTHING”.
We end up considering the temporary things in life as EVERYTHING and invite unwanted misery within our lives. However, if we are grounded in the reality that everything is temporary, we stop getting attached to things and can cherish them in a better way.
I have still not experienced the permanence of my existence; however, this journey has helped me in getting rid of many unnecessary and unwanted things. It reduced the fear of uncertainty and what will happen. I also realized that whatever has happened was the best for my evolution. Instead of questioning it, I can start taking lessons from it and move ahead in life. Without the fear of what will happen in the future, I started walking on the path guided by my intuition and chose a career in the field of Blogging, Training & Coaching people.
I am still on the quest to find the source, but it is the journey that has taught me a lot and helped me grow. It’s not that I have totally stopped getting attached to the impermanent things. However, whenever I get upset, I surely check upon what I am clinging to that is bringing me this misery. There is nothing on the outside that is creating the problem, but my own stubbornness to not let go off on things, people or situations.
- This too shall pass.
- We are the creators of our own misery. Being the creators we have the power to create joy too.
- Look within, if you want the REAL answers.
LOTS OF LOVE ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
MAY GOD BLESS YOU! ♥
Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash