“I have been tolerating this since a very long time, but not anymore. It’s time I speak up!”
Have you ever said this before to anyone at any point of time in your relationships?
If yes, then welcome to the club of “Nice people”
The people in this group are pretty ‘MATURE’, they say 😉
Because they won’t express what they feel upfront but suppress it to the extent they cannot handle it and then they reach a level where they burst like a volcano! Suddenly the wholehearted efforts of being nice washes away and the Volcanic personality erupts.
Funny, isn’t it?
Be nice so that you can maintain the relationship well so that things go well. Then when your validity gets over, start shouting like a revolver gone out of control. It all equals up. This is not a beneficial deal.
Solution?
Yes, there is!
We normally face some situations daily or maybe frequently with our loved ones which annoy us or bother us. We chose to ignore them or just shut ourselves out or sleep over it or we chose to shout on certain days. None of them is the right way to bring a solution.
Both the parties seriously involved in bringing a solution to the situation can do it so by talking to each other and giving each other the space to express how they feel.
Actions are not what actually hurts. It is the feeling that the action gives us that hurts.
Example #1
One fine day I decided to clean my wardrobe and got rid of a few old t-shirts. On having a look at the clothes, mom rushed to my room with a yellow t-shirt in her hand, which was as good as new. She said, “Why are you getting rid of this, it is beautiful.”
I said, “It’s not of my use anymore, so I am just getting rid of it”
“How can you? I bought this thing for you and now you want to get rid of it.” my mother replied.
After this reply, I came to know that my action of getting rid of the t-shirt bought by my mom made her feel as if I was denying her or maybe disrespecting her choice for me. It made her feel insulted and less important in my life.
I then, assured her that I knew the t-shirt was given by her but as it didn’t fit me I had to pass it on to somebody else. I also told her that I would have loved to keep that with me, but if it was of use for somebody else why to waste it by just keeping it in my wardrobe. On my explaining her the reason or the feeling behind my action, the issue was resolved from the core. (No hard feelings left)
Example #2
When working people get too much involved in their work and pay very less attention to their family, they are not doing it to hurt them. But, sometimes it happens that the family feels left out and ignored due to it. So it would be better if they both talked about it. The family on coming to know that the work is given more priority due to some temporary workload, to meet the deadlines or maybe to enhance the business or any other suitable reason, they will understand instead of feeling neglected.
It is the ‘root cause’ that we have to reach. Fights and quarrels happen because we all observe from the upper or the action level. We never try to see and observe what lies beneath those actions & words. If we could manage to communicate our way through these deep emotions and reasons which forces us to act in a certain way, then we can avoid the fights and arguments.
EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS
The best solution for this problem is to express whatever you feel and also ask the other person to express what they feel about the situation.
We hardly express what we feel, especially when we feel something negative or bad. We always try to suppress or cover up those negative feelings with ‘something else’. Something else means we try to put other reasons to justify our actions. However, what we are actually feeling is totally different from what we show. It’s okay to have negative feelings and it is also perfectly okay to express them, BUT it should be done TACTFULLY.
If somebody’s action makes you feel less worthy or less important or maybe ignored, then you have the right to talk about that feeling with the other person. If you don’t express these feelings right now, they will come out in one or the other form later on in life.
WHY EXPRESS THEM?
What you are feeling is actually your perception about the situation. Is the intention of the other person really to make you feel that way? Maybe on talking with that person, you might also find out that the other person was not even aware that their actions made you feel this way. They must be acting in a certain way totally unaware of how you are feeling. This could all lead to a huge misunderstanding if a conversation never takes place.
Stagnant water causes dirt and disease whereas flowing water is always clean and worth utilizing. The emotions are nothing less than water. If you let them flow, they will nourish you and if you hold them back, they have the power to destroy you as well.
WHAT TO DO IF THE OTHER PERSON STARTS SHOUTING AT ME?
Well, the best you can do is send them the link to this article 😉
Just kidding! 😀
No matter how calm we want to stay and work things out, there might be this person who is like a hustling river. They may never calm down to flow with you. If a person is in the capacity to listen, then you can flow the communication in the following way. If they are angry, stubborn & rigid all at the same time, just move away and approach when they are happy & joyful to strike this conversation.
First of all, start by explaining the reasons, intentions & feelings you have for the actions or the issue that has taken place. Ask them to express theirs too. As soon as the feelings of both the people are kept on the table, you will be able to figure out exactly how the action is affecting each of you on a deeper level and how to work on it.
Sensible talking can always take you way ahead in life!
Dare to accept your flaws & ego, if they seem to arise during any of those conversations.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU! ♥
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
